also, buddhism says this about love:

Flower Garland Sutra (Chapter 9)
( 9 analogies for love)

1. Love is like an unpaid debt ...
2. Love is like a rakshasa-ghost woman...
3. Love is like a wonderful lotus-flower whose roots are hiding a poisonous snake...
4. Love is like a disagreeable food...
5. Love is like a prostitute...
6. Love is like a mleccha ... [ aka "barbarian"]
7. Love is like an infected sore....
8. Love is like a destructive wind...
9. Love is like a comet...

rereading my old blog

i found this "i want to be list"... from dec 12 2007. let's see what 2 years has done.
fulfilled things--> in green
no longer desired things --> italics
halfway done --> pink

travel across Europe... just soaking in sights and sounds, drifting through all the beauty
take photographs that can make people cry
be in a rock band
catwalk on the runway for a hugeass brand
write French and Chinese poetry
be dizzyingly, unreservedly in love, that also happens to be reciprocated...
see the aurora borealis
learn how to scuba dive and go diving...
visit the underground caves in France which have drawings by cavemen
be friendly, confident and at ease in any and every situation
feel like i am living the life i want, where every minute counts for something and does not have to be regretted or justified. the justification is in the certainty of enjoyment.
carry out a project that changes the lives of people in less fortunate situations, that helps them substantially and sustainably...
look at people's pictures on facebook and feel no envy
be genuinely happy for all the blessings other people have without any kind of resentment
treasure all the people i love (family and friends) for all they are worth, and be able to bring them joy instead of always taking from them
feel like i am truly surrounded by unconditional love.. does this sound contradictory to the one before? i just mean to say that i want to feel without a doubt loved, but not to make the people who love me keep giving... i don't know.
be a great capoeirista, and to love every moment of playing ack hahahaha
have energy and dedication and cheer in every aspect of life
put in full effort for all my studies and courses, and get the satisfaction of knowledge accumulation, of rapport with professors/tas, of learning

stop being a quitter...

bake cupcakes

be a sk8ter girl (hahaha) ---> NADIA! HHAHAHAHA PACT OK.

need less sleep... (8 hours max would be nice.)

stop waking up from dreams feeling so disappointed to be face2face with real life...

publish an anthology of poems and have people describe my poetry as "utterly beautiful", and quote it, and get hung up over how well things are expressed

have fresh flowers every other day...

have a steamy hot fling...

have a really cool english name like ariel, or autumn or sophie or delilah. (although sophie is ruined forever because of jy)

be able to let go of things, and stop being obsessive and hung up over every damned thing

watch a meteor shower, in an open plain, with champagne and great company --> OMG no champagne, but check everything else : )

have bigger boobs (HAHA)

lie on the grass, in gentle sunshine, and listen to music...

read great books for the sake of reading, and not for class (though that would make it a 2 in 1) and savour the words and phrases without a sense of urgency, without trying to finish the book as fast as i can

tame bunny

stop having negative/cynical/nasty thoughts pop up...

be good at painting...

stop being so damn lazy

write a successful play about facebook

have je ne sais quoi

keep a plant alive...

stop procrastinating.

an exercise in imagination:

how thanksgiving break would be like if i had not fallen dastardly ill
1) Wed: Would have gone to South Street with Nadia + Amy, shopped around, gotten desserts, had dinner, hopped on the bus to NY, had sushi and watched a movie at my sister's place.
2) Thurs: Gone skating by the river, had a great thanksgiving dinner and enjoyed wine and ice cream (sigh), gone out with Y etc after.

instead
1) Tues Night - Wed early morning: Puked, puked, puked, puked. Slept for 5 hours with chills and aches, woke up feeling like shit. Decide to take a shower and try and head out w Amy, Nad goes first. Take a shower and nap a bit, still feel like shit and feverish. Tell Amy to go ahead -- sleep for 3+++ more hours feeling feverish and having diarrhea. they come back, we go for dinner by which point i feel like im going to faint, my finger tips are all tingly and buzzy... Decide that i Cannot take the bus in this state and go back to sleep at Nad's place till the next morning.
2) Thurs morn: catch bus to NY. SLEEEEP. Buy groceries etc to cook -- feel like dying while cookng halfway. My sister, her friend and her friend's ex (who's very nice) and Y are over for dinner. Don't really feel like eating (felt nauseous all day). Cannot drink the wine (which is very nice and sweet, i had some in the end). Stomach starts hurting increasingly through meal and at around 10 i retire from the table to lie in bed and convalesce. SAD. slept for a bit and now i'm awake again.
how sianz. : (

in the storeroom

from earliest to most recent:
choon; 4 November 2006, 5:40:39 PM
Just thought of the time we ate recess at the long jump pit wall and cheryl lim came along and didn't scold us! Haha sky is nice have a nICE dAY! =D

ling ; 13 December 2006, 6:57:08 PM
Haha! But i liked pumpkin girl! She was cute n reminded me o halloween n fairytales. U cld hv been cinderellas carriage on yr skateboard! Bring back my Pumpkin pie.

(re: my winter coat that ballooned out and made me look like a pumpkin until i realized that i was supposed to cut the stitches of the pleats.)

phinpeng ; 4 February 2007, 8:35:05 PM
Aye we too. I love girls too.

8:58:15 PM
Anyone below 21 is a girl not woman. U girl rite. I love girls.

michelle; 7 June 2007; 12:01:34 AM
And hey! i did not drown in the night's poetry.

: )

jason; 2 November 2007; 4:08:35 PM
Lijun u didn't reply me i feel depressed n lack of love between frds

(text from my sister's friend whom i don't know) 14 December 2007
Im adopting a WWJS policy toward my writing. Its like jesus, only a better writer :-p

marco; 30 March 2008
Ready to get trashed tonight you turkish turkey

mummy; 15 October 2008
Such thing happens all the time. She is inconsiderate. That's all.

jason; 19 December 2008
Lijunnnn =( i m missing u already. cant believe this is the last day we will see each other on brown campus. u hv been such a crazy yet lovely girl frd. ='( byebye lizard... no more bitching. n hearing ur insane love stories n gossiping. also crazy nites at our suite.. no more =( u take care urself okie?

da jie; 17 February 2009
Whew, i just made it! And the airport person called me mrs! Argh, how old do i look?! I'm sad to be leaving too, i had such a great time! You were a wonderful host! I'm glad we got to spend the weekend together.. take care and i'll talk to you soon! Lots of love.

choon ; 19 February 2009
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAR! HAPPY 22! Hope one small special magical moment happens today and makes you marvel at love and life in general! -huggles-

da jie; 19 February 2009
Happy birthday, mon cher! (did i get that right?) Have a lovely day and a wonderful year to come!

yilin; 19 February 2009
Hey lijun, wanted to call you but ch said you'll never pick up. Haha happy bday anw :) hope ur having a fantastic day! Love you loads, cant wait for u to come home

joe; 22 February 2009
In the depths of winter i finally found that in me there is an endless summer.

da jie; 1 July 2009
Ow!! the ones that i said give me blisters? why did you do that??

(When i msged her complaining about how i wore her slippers out and they gave me blisters.)

yi-xun; 20 September 2009
My god, I am officially a retard. I've just realised my bus is actually t half 3, I misread my ticket (215 was my arrival time on fri)

ling; 5 October 2009
I actually hv a lover in my bed n he didnt allow me to get up. Sorry hor.

da jie; 20 October 2009
Glad to hear you made it back! Hope you're feeling better, emotionally and intestinally! The greek musician called me - you get hit on by young dominican doctors, whereas i get old greek musicians, sigh.

rachy; 9 November 2009
Just made it!!! whew! Haha then i realized i don't have your number. Thanks for everything and it was so so good to catch up after so long. I wish we all had like a week to be together!

x ; 12 November 2009
Silly lijun, ur just dyslexic! And u shoulda brought ur own tea! Is it unsupervised? Will me txting u set u up for a cheating accusation? : D


ahh i love texts!!! its like talking that you can keep forever and reread and laugh over and be reminded of places and contexts, times and feelings. okay... procrastination ends here. im going to cook tonight and try and make meatloaf!!

ps: love jay chou sooo much. listening to him makes me happy like nothing else

smoking too much these days

ive been feeling oddly, intermittently stressed this week. since the weekend, i guess.

started hanging out / talking to X a lot. haven't talked to him for over a year, havent really hung out since freshman year. i had disconnected myself to the point where i just made scathing, offhand comments whenever he came up / whizzed by. it's so weird the capacity for human cruelty once we are able to dissociate ourselves from the object of our contemptuous scrutiny. im ashamed of that part of me. last night he popped a sleeping pill and we were lying in our respective beds, talking for hours. about the difference between our campus/college persona and our selves. he was talking about all these rumours about him, unfounded or uncharitable, spread by people he barely knew. i listened in silence with guilt stewing, as his words recollected all of my own poisonous slips. now i feel like i would never say those things about him no matter what he does, i mean who am i to judge. for some people, its just so hard to even be alive, whatever mask they might have perfected.

i wanted to make him feel better, give any meagre happiness that i could, but i couldn't. it's sort of silly and presumptuous too, this "savior" instinct. its so clichéd, and girly. the desire to respond to need, to want to be the one who makes things okay. i wonder if i would feel that way about anyone, or is it specific to him, because i still have these vague remnants.

then, i talked to Y about this, and life in general, which left me more in equilibrium and raring to start my work. its so ironic how the inert passiveness in Y that frustrated me soo much would be greatly appreciated in X. that's just how things are, i guess. we can't have everything. i can think of many examples of this ...

so just to give an insight of how messed up my subconsciousness is, this is the dream i had last night: It was morning, and X was in the kitchen. He had made crepes with strawberries and chocolates and an omelette for himself, using food that wasn't his, without thinking of offering me any. I was kinda mad, but I didn't know how to tell him. Something happened, i went away for a bit, came back and he had been replaced by JY, who was sitting there with all that food. Suddenly I could unleash my fury, and I did, and he got up immediately and came to me thoroughly repentent and sorry, then he kissed my neck. I felt a yearning awoken.

There you go. My astute dreambeing has it all figured out. Of course, I know the clear answer: it's not X, Y, or JY. It's someone else who hasn't come along yet. Or modified version of F. Actually, I think F is the best fit so far, personality and interests and many many things wise. But, at the same time, obviously disqualified. Y is a close second, except he's so fucking passive. And too short.

This blog entry sadly unravels the pretense that I had tried to weave about this being a "literary" blog. I guess it's just me in the end.

une chanson retrouvée

On s'est connus, on s'est reconnus,
On s'est perdus de vue, on s'est r'perdus d'vue
On s'est retrouvés, on s'est réchauffés,
Puis on s'est séparés

Chacun pour soi est reparti
Dans l'tourbillon de la vie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHwiFTPomx0

been listening to it non stop since my sis sent me the link, had forgotten all about it !
here's an excerpt from the current story I'm working on for class called "Jigme and Biparna". it's not coming along so well, but oh actually writing (even fiction) is so fun! i need to stop taking econ classes ha.

"It reminded him of the fireflies he sometimes saw in the garden at night. For years, he had been struck by how temptingly they twinkled, how they beckoned as if little lights, showing the road to a shining divine. But how does one follow a firefly trail? What hidden path could he discover in their whimsical flights? These were all questions a kid could not answer, but a lack of elucidation did not diminish the wonder and conviction of Some Truly Amazing Place. Recently, he found that Biparna’s face incited the same childhood excitement, a similar promise of golden, but the way to that was no longer just an intangible, vague possibility; it was grounded in flesh and realized in blood. He just had to follow her voice, follow the adrenaline, follow her."

yes, i have an obsession with fireflies, lights and magic. also i think i have a somewhat "old" style of writing -- i feel like im trying to imitate george eliot, actually! which is so odd! for poetry my style is so much more contemporary, why do i become an old woman in a rocking chair by the fireplace when i write fiction about children's romances? hmmm.

I need to chill the fuck out

but at the same time, get more serious about work.

Paradoxes, contradictions and ironies.