hamlet inspired

What is a man,

If his chief good and market of his time

Be but to sleep and feed? a beast, no more:

Sure he that made us with such large discourse,

Looking before and after, gave us not

That capability and god-like reason

To fust in us unused. Now, whether it be

Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple

Of thinking too precisely on th’event –

A thought which quartered hath but one part wisdom,

And ever three parts coward – I do not know

Why yet I live to say “This thing’s to do,”

Sith I have cause, and will, and strength, and means,

To do’t

and so i have been trying to reform my lifestyle! basically, sleeping early (usually before midnight, often before 11pm!), making my bed the moment i wake, and gymming everyday ! wooohooo. im not sure if its the new attitude, or the gymming (all those endorphins!!) but ive been feeling quite chipper everyday despite the phlegmy cough the -10 celsius weather has cursed me with.

plans for this semester

classes:

1) VA 10 !!!! : ) :) : ) oh this makes me so happy! its basically a studio foundation for visual arts, so i'll be sketching and painting a lot !

2) French creative writing workshop -- taught by the prof who was i/c of the b/rown in paris program, who's very funny, cute, and also no nonsense ! one of the first things we are supposed to do is choose a "nom de plume" (pen name) via an anagram of our actual names. so far, the best choice i have is "Junk Pile"... hahaha ! not so inspiring / credible as mich pointed out ... so i shall try a bit harder. but its so funny!

3) French lit course from 18th century to today

4) Public Economics

5) MY THESIS CLASSSSSS. (end product: poetry chapbook!)

extra-curricular:

1) Writers' Group -- the creative writing workshop for developmentally disabled adults that I was doing last year

2) Applying to be a French TA

3) MAYBE this teaching english program to kids whose first language isn't english

personal improvement:

1) reading the economist every week

2) gymming regularly, so far every day, but depending on how work etc comes in...

3) ZEN living

so far, so good. wish me luck !

today i

sent him off at the airport, where i also lost my camera.

went home feeling heavy and dull with a once familiar but now unaccustomed moodiness that sank slowly through my cloud fabric self and out as salty, angry rain

couldn't tell if i were sad because of the camera or him (both, i suppose)

came home after supper and saw the phone

realized how much i wanted to call the ocean traverser

remembered what it felt like to miss someone so helplessly, frustratingly

relived the dread of leave takings

knew that i am re in love

know that life won't wait while i pine

finish as much packing as i can

get ready to move along

yes, i suppose i was wrong. 6 years is not water under the bridge, and i have not outgrown him.

japan --> home

the family vacation in Hokkaido was ichiban ! my brother and i skiied like maniacs the first 2.5 days, then switched over to snowboarding for the rest of the third. i also fell like a fool in love too many times to count and passed traumatized, panic-ridden moments peering down slopes far too steep for my quavery amateur legs. these varied only in details (whether i was standing or sitting, whether both skiis were off, one ski off and the other several metres behind and above me, or both skiis were on) but not sentiments/thoughts. the combination was usually like this:

1) oh shit, oh shit oh shit.

2) what can i do besides ski down? (i.e., could i walk carrying my skiis? just stay on my butt and slide down?)

3) sian.

4) why am i skiing?

5) damn sian.

etcetera

still, having ones blood replaced by liquid fear is a very unusual experience. i don't think i've ever been so completely weighed down by the absolute non-desire to continue, with no alternative in sight. it was one of those things that might possibly build character. the rest of the trip was sight-seeing as we were driven from random attraction to attraction in a mini van with our own tour guide (Homma-san). we did glass-blowing (very scary! i had these paranoid visions of burning a hole thru my thigh with careless molten glass), a short horse ride up a snowy hill, fed bears (so kawaii!), looked at monuments, shopped, walked near a volcano... all the days just clambered one after the other, up the stairs of time.

now i'm home -- and home too, is lovely. feeling so lucky to be moving from one wonderful, beautiful place to another. today, i sent my sister off (poor thing is starting work again in 2 days!), went walking with choon for hours at Henderson Waves, which i had never heard of / seen before (some kind of swaku) and which was so thoroughly enjoyable! such tall green, so much space, a winding bridge, an uphill path, countless species of trees and flowers. my heart felt all spiritually united with nature and the world ! haha

after, my bro and i went to my cousin's house to meet for the first time the boy she's engaged to and his brother. it was a jolly bbq, my uncle was dishing up huge grilled prawns, satays, fish, beef, chicken wings non stop. all grilled to almost-perfect. the cousins and the soon to be cousins-in-laws sat together, eating, talking, drinking. when dessert was done, we played pictionary, then pool. on a tangent, i realized i really like pool! i used to suck, and everytime i played well it was just tyco. but recently (well since i played w my bro in japan once) i feel like i'm getting a greater control over my playing -- and its fuuun!

okay, i'm going to bed soon, super shagged from the long day. but also very content -- such a nice mix of friend and family day. sometimes i think about how if i stayed in singapore after graduating (or all the time) i would have this warm fuzzy mélange always, not the rare day that like a rainbow graces my life with its presence then fleets leaving a wistful longing for more. choices, choices.