is why everything seems to be unraveling even as i have seen and heard and breathed more consciously more profoundly than ever before. where i believed a whole, there are cracks and spaces minute, but there is also a zoom function and helplessly i'm transported into further into deeper these pockets of empty until i no longer know where i am and 'it' is no longer representative of anything because there is no means of identification.
do you see what i mean?
what i really mean to say is, i'm lost.
what i really mean to say is, i don't know why.
what i really mean to say is, i've lost the why.
what i really mean to say is, i thought i got past all this and was somewhere else all together. but this somewhere else is suspiciously looking like the there of before, the here and the then confused and merging.
maybe not having furniture and 20 boxes to unpack is affecting my sanity. or maybe pulling out dusty, old faces of love is tipping a perpetually precarious equilibrium. or maybe silence to an unreasoning need is stirring clear waters murky.
I still need to write about Rwanda. I haven't forgotten. it's still processing, still. Maybe it will be forever. but what do i know of forever?
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LJ. we're back here and I miss you, hang on hang on, the best I can offer is to say that I do know what you mean, i think, to some degree. And in your pockets of empty you are not alone. XO
ReplyDeletei miss you too and we've only been apart for 2 days and 2 nights... but its strange to go to sleep in/to silence.
ReplyDeletewe need to chitter chatter soon
xoxoxo
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