hamlet inspired

What is a man,

If his chief good and market of his time

Be but to sleep and feed? a beast, no more:

Sure he that made us with such large discourse,

Looking before and after, gave us not

That capability and god-like reason

To fust in us unused. Now, whether it be

Bestial oblivion, or some craven scruple

Of thinking too precisely on th’event –

A thought which quartered hath but one part wisdom,

And ever three parts coward – I do not know

Why yet I live to say “This thing’s to do,”

Sith I have cause, and will, and strength, and means,

To do’t

and so i have been trying to reform my lifestyle! basically, sleeping early (usually before midnight, often before 11pm!), making my bed the moment i wake, and gymming everyday ! wooohooo. im not sure if its the new attitude, or the gymming (all those endorphins!!) but ive been feeling quite chipper everyday despite the phlegmy cough the -10 celsius weather has cursed me with.

plans for this semester

classes:

1) VA 10 !!!! : ) :) : ) oh this makes me so happy! its basically a studio foundation for visual arts, so i'll be sketching and painting a lot !

2) French creative writing workshop -- taught by the prof who was i/c of the b/rown in paris program, who's very funny, cute, and also no nonsense ! one of the first things we are supposed to do is choose a "nom de plume" (pen name) via an anagram of our actual names. so far, the best choice i have is "Junk Pile"... hahaha ! not so inspiring / credible as mich pointed out ... so i shall try a bit harder. but its so funny!

3) French lit course from 18th century to today

4) Public Economics

5) MY THESIS CLASSSSSS. (end product: poetry chapbook!)

extra-curricular:

1) Writers' Group -- the creative writing workshop for developmentally disabled adults that I was doing last year

2) Applying to be a French TA

3) MAYBE this teaching english program to kids whose first language isn't english

personal improvement:

1) reading the economist every week

2) gymming regularly, so far every day, but depending on how work etc comes in...

3) ZEN living

so far, so good. wish me luck !

today i

sent him off at the airport, where i also lost my camera.

went home feeling heavy and dull with a once familiar but now unaccustomed moodiness that sank slowly through my cloud fabric self and out as salty, angry rain

couldn't tell if i were sad because of the camera or him (both, i suppose)

came home after supper and saw the phone

realized how much i wanted to call the ocean traverser

remembered what it felt like to miss someone so helplessly, frustratingly

relived the dread of leave takings

knew that i am re in love

know that life won't wait while i pine

finish as much packing as i can

get ready to move along

yes, i suppose i was wrong. 6 years is not water under the bridge, and i have not outgrown him.

japan --> home

the family vacation in Hokkaido was ichiban ! my brother and i skiied like maniacs the first 2.5 days, then switched over to snowboarding for the rest of the third. i also fell like a fool in love too many times to count and passed traumatized, panic-ridden moments peering down slopes far too steep for my quavery amateur legs. these varied only in details (whether i was standing or sitting, whether both skiis were off, one ski off and the other several metres behind and above me, or both skiis were on) but not sentiments/thoughts. the combination was usually like this:

1) oh shit, oh shit oh shit.

2) what can i do besides ski down? (i.e., could i walk carrying my skiis? just stay on my butt and slide down?)

3) sian.

4) why am i skiing?

5) damn sian.

etcetera

still, having ones blood replaced by liquid fear is a very unusual experience. i don't think i've ever been so completely weighed down by the absolute non-desire to continue, with no alternative in sight. it was one of those things that might possibly build character. the rest of the trip was sight-seeing as we were driven from random attraction to attraction in a mini van with our own tour guide (Homma-san). we did glass-blowing (very scary! i had these paranoid visions of burning a hole thru my thigh with careless molten glass), a short horse ride up a snowy hill, fed bears (so kawaii!), looked at monuments, shopped, walked near a volcano... all the days just clambered one after the other, up the stairs of time.

now i'm home -- and home too, is lovely. feeling so lucky to be moving from one wonderful, beautiful place to another. today, i sent my sister off (poor thing is starting work again in 2 days!), went walking with choon for hours at Henderson Waves, which i had never heard of / seen before (some kind of swaku) and which was so thoroughly enjoyable! such tall green, so much space, a winding bridge, an uphill path, countless species of trees and flowers. my heart felt all spiritually united with nature and the world ! haha

after, my bro and i went to my cousin's house to meet for the first time the boy she's engaged to and his brother. it was a jolly bbq, my uncle was dishing up huge grilled prawns, satays, fish, beef, chicken wings non stop. all grilled to almost-perfect. the cousins and the soon to be cousins-in-laws sat together, eating, talking, drinking. when dessert was done, we played pictionary, then pool. on a tangent, i realized i really like pool! i used to suck, and everytime i played well it was just tyco. but recently (well since i played w my bro in japan once) i feel like i'm getting a greater control over my playing -- and its fuuun!

okay, i'm going to bed soon, super shagged from the long day. but also very content -- such a nice mix of friend and family day. sometimes i think about how if i stayed in singapore after graduating (or all the time) i would have this warm fuzzy mélange always, not the rare day that like a rainbow graces my life with its presence then fleets leaving a wistful longing for more. choices, choices.

"I'm not that girl" -- Wicked

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaT7DaqPbxs

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl:

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl:

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

nose piercing !

happy : ) except now i cant scratch / blow my nose : (

10

Don’t give places away like spare change.

There is someone, then there are others –

different yes, but wedged into the perennial gap of

desire; (ful)filling need.

Places are pleasure un-autonomous: you

and only you decide, when. For how long.

Don’t ruin a good thing with sentimentality:

Weaving mythical hybrid of ours and firsts,

stage-set for time defiant narratives;

forcing arbitrary into destiny’s coat.

If this place is you and I, then what happens when it’s just ?

So, I will bring him where I happened to bring you

the night you fell in love; colder

without smoke breaks and

older he is already in.

Ownership lasts as long as the sangria –

you-connotations drained with the fifth jug

months ago. His, after this one.

Places are not lives, they don’t mold themselves

to the shape of people, and there isn’t that shock

of swimming in the cold air of oversize,

or feeling pulled tight at the shoulders; what had seemed a perfect fit.

Things Done Today

1) Watched Glee Episodes 4 - 6

2) Had chinese take out

3) Watched Glee Episodes 7 - 9 (10?)

4) Had 2 cups of coffee and 5 cigarettes

5) Opened take home final document (and read it)

6) Looked up French Toast recipe (it's easy and i'm gonna try it tmr! ^^)

7) Ordered flowers to be delivered on Mum's birthday

8) Ate leftover mash potatoes

9) Wrote this post

HAHA. senioritis (or plain, unadulterated sloth) in full-blown shabbiness