japan --> home

the family vacation in Hokkaido was ichiban ! my brother and i skiied like maniacs the first 2.5 days, then switched over to snowboarding for the rest of the third. i also fell like a fool in love too many times to count and passed traumatized, panic-ridden moments peering down slopes far too steep for my quavery amateur legs. these varied only in details (whether i was standing or sitting, whether both skiis were off, one ski off and the other several metres behind and above me, or both skiis were on) but not sentiments/thoughts. the combination was usually like this:

1) oh shit, oh shit oh shit.

2) what can i do besides ski down? (i.e., could i walk carrying my skiis? just stay on my butt and slide down?)

3) sian.

4) why am i skiing?

5) damn sian.

etcetera

still, having ones blood replaced by liquid fear is a very unusual experience. i don't think i've ever been so completely weighed down by the absolute non-desire to continue, with no alternative in sight. it was one of those things that might possibly build character. the rest of the trip was sight-seeing as we were driven from random attraction to attraction in a mini van with our own tour guide (Homma-san). we did glass-blowing (very scary! i had these paranoid visions of burning a hole thru my thigh with careless molten glass), a short horse ride up a snowy hill, fed bears (so kawaii!), looked at monuments, shopped, walked near a volcano... all the days just clambered one after the other, up the stairs of time.

now i'm home -- and home too, is lovely. feeling so lucky to be moving from one wonderful, beautiful place to another. today, i sent my sister off (poor thing is starting work again in 2 days!), went walking with choon for hours at Henderson Waves, which i had never heard of / seen before (some kind of swaku) and which was so thoroughly enjoyable! such tall green, so much space, a winding bridge, an uphill path, countless species of trees and flowers. my heart felt all spiritually united with nature and the world ! haha

after, my bro and i went to my cousin's house to meet for the first time the boy she's engaged to and his brother. it was a jolly bbq, my uncle was dishing up huge grilled prawns, satays, fish, beef, chicken wings non stop. all grilled to almost-perfect. the cousins and the soon to be cousins-in-laws sat together, eating, talking, drinking. when dessert was done, we played pictionary, then pool. on a tangent, i realized i really like pool! i used to suck, and everytime i played well it was just tyco. but recently (well since i played w my bro in japan once) i feel like i'm getting a greater control over my playing -- and its fuuun!

okay, i'm going to bed soon, super shagged from the long day. but also very content -- such a nice mix of friend and family day. sometimes i think about how if i stayed in singapore after graduating (or all the time) i would have this warm fuzzy mélange always, not the rare day that like a rainbow graces my life with its presence then fleets leaving a wistful longing for more. choices, choices.