my dear we're slow dancing in a burning room

i had an awful, awful nightmare. haven't had one in a long time and this one was fucking terrifying... (its actually funny on hindsight because i see where a part of it came from.)

but the moment i forced myself awake my heart was just pounding -- and then i reached out and called jy. i called him on his bday 2 days ago, i guess i've been thinking about him since. he sent me a message earlier today saying he thought i shouldnt visit after all, and there was another msg that was incomplete that i couldn't read. so he said he'd send it to me again, and this time i deleted half the msgs in my inbox so i'd have space. when we were on the phone suddenly i thought maybe he found someone else and was seized with a panic. what a selfish bitch i am. but he said it was quite horrible, when i asked if it was, and i just started floundering in deep anguish. the nightmare had disoriented me already i guess. its weird but i can go so long without really thinking about him except in a fond way, then suddenly, bam. it's like j1 or j3 again when i'm drowning and the flooding is in my core, from my deepest being. and i'm thinking... not again, not again.

i know i'll get over this by tomorrow morning and everything will seem bright or at least light. it's already starting to fade like the nightmare that was so excruciating and overwhelming and all surrounding for those moments...

i don't dream about getting married to him anymore ... although i know what song we'll sing/play at our wedding if we did. i don't imagine him as the father of my children (fuck the biological clock) i think about new exciting romantic encounters i might have everyday / in the future but then i can't efface this other plane of contained irreality, a refuge of the mind, where he is mine, and i just love him love him love him. i do love him and i always will. i know that the fact that i don't worry about our seemingly very separate destinies anymore or consider the future or our inherent differences means that i have isolated this love and consigned it in some fashion. i have removed it from the unravelling thread of my life and stored it. but i can't give it up, i know i should, but i can't.

my quiet heartbreak

Hi Li Jun,

Regarding the rest of that packet of poems etc. that you gave me,

I like the graphs. Regarding the rest, it's frustrating to be honest. So much

good stuff-- wonderful stanzas of suprising language or phrasing or

syntax (or all three) and then clunky passages, misspelled words (except/accept),

clauses with weird shifts of syntax, purely silly stuff. There are flashes of

remarkable talent that I wish I had been able to work with you to highlight,

but we didn't really get the chance. You should hook up with the writers

connected with Double Change in Paris. The often have events at Pointe

Ephemere which is a good place to discover anyway. If down the line of

yr life, you decide to shift courses, I think you would really flourish in an

MFA program in poetry. I hope you'll keep writing in any case.

Yrs, F

:(

aiya

bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored. bored bored bored. bored. bored!!!! bored bored bored bored. sianzzzzzz.

!!

thesis to the printers, THESIS TO THE PRINTERS!!! wooot.
now:
write french essay
have dinner w RUFFLES TEH
do french writing assignment
do illustrator/photoshop assignment
get thesis back and stick photos + "captions" in
plan lesson for recalcitrant kiddies
...
WEEKEND FREEDOM.
fighting!!

ps: ive been squandering hours looking at tattoos and lotus pictures today. photoshop is my new best friend !

waste

our mouths cruised
through obscurity
soulwave fuelled

speed bumps of silence
restraining unfeasible
thirst

sometimes was not
a protrusion but
concave temporary:

potholes of infinity not
yet chosen by words

this path was not meant
to be our final

but silence became your
crazy filter decided
on nostalgia

perceived tree death returns
you to memory

though what you
consigned still grows
taller than in the wistful mind

the most exciting thing that happened to me today:

I fell down the stairs !

yep, new lows that "life" has reached hahaha

off the radar

ive deleted faceb and my phone is dead... and charger nowhere in sight. woo its kinda nice in hermitland.

econ exam down, one thesis,one essay, one phot oshop assignment to go.